I’m back!
Or am I?
I know I’ve been in a very bad place for over a year.. That
doesn’t mean I wasn’t having fun! See.. my world works in parallel dimensions
now. There is the Now and there
is the other Now.
The first Now
is my reality, the one that brings me down. These are the facts that I hate
about my life. There is the loss of my dad, which I still have to seriously
face and accept. There is the loss of
some people very close to my heart whether because their time in NY or in my
life was up or because I didn’t have a computer for over a year and had very
limited access through iPad and a dysfunctional not-so-smart phone.
There is also the lack of enthusiasm, a general apathy
towards all the things that would normally lift me up: a good job, a dance
class, a fit routine, a close friend or even a good book…
I’m done pushing the limits, turning heavy rocks over and
reaching out for everything I can’t have.. and with that, comes my second NOW!
This Now is a spiritual realm I don’t quite
understand. I don’t think I actually believe in this stuff but it’s here and
I’m living it.
It’s that moment in November of 2011 when I went to bed and
despite all odds, I realized I was actually very lucky. My father was dying but for the first time in
38 years, I was able to connect with him on a level I never had. My father was
dying and because of that I got to take my kids to live in Cairo among family
and good friends for a short while. My
father was dying and for a very short period of time I felt very very safe so
close to him. My father was dying and
thanks to him, many good people decided to reach out and stay close. I don’t think I was ever surrounded by so many
genuine and fun people. It was then that
I felt loved, cherished, trusted and not judged.
Or maybe it was that moment last summer at the beach house,
when I was settling comfortably in bed after an amazing night out with friends,
when I felt that once more, despite the loss, the void that can’t be filled,
the empty seat outside on the terrace, the sound of a nail hammered in my wall
that has been forever silenced, the empty bowl of beans which my daughter no
longer shares with her grandfather… despite it all, I had the most peaceful and
relaxed summer in 7 years in that house.
Or maybe it was that Fall Monday morning as I was driving
back from kids drop off and the magnificent foliage around me breathtakingly
made me see life as so beautiful and so serene. Nothing really matters…
careers, friends, family, money, material possessions, food, water.. Nothing
really matters because at one point in our lives, we will lose one or more. At
one point, we will cease to exist and it will all cease to exist, or matter.
I actually think it’s that moment… as I was shielding myself
from an imminent sled crash in my backyard… as well as the incredibly good
moments that Noha and Hedy brought with them when they came to wrap up a very
lonely year in such warmth and amazing friendship.
And that’s the NOW
I’m talking about. The Now
that keeps a tight grip on my greedy inclinations for always seeking more than
what I already have, for lamenting what I lost and what I could have had, for
wasting so much time and energy on blaming myself, and sometimes others for my
misfortunes, for holding on to anger and disappointment, mostly in myself.
It’s funny how life becomes simpler when it’s stripped down
to its bare essentials.
Walid asks me if we should move to a new country or stay
another year. Normally,I would have a very concrete urge to go. All my good friends
left already. My kids need to be in a
bigger more established school. I need to work to keep my dad happy wherever he
is, and my mom proud and comfortable that I’m safe.
But I look at my very confused husband and I sincerely don’t
have much to say. If we stay another
year, I’m fine.. What’s another year anyway! If we go, I’ll just pack up the
bare minimum and go. Kids will be fine
if I stop hovering over them like an overstuffed mother bear. Friends will come
and go and when they go, I now have a new cool desktop to keep me company and
virtually wired and connected. Like a true Roamer in this day and age, Virtual
connections have become my only lifeline.
