Mount Kilimanjaro - Doing it the Lemosho Way - Day _2

Klimbing Cili – Day Minus 2

Schedules, schedules, logistics and then some..

It takes two days to book a life changing trip to Kilimanjaro, but a whole three weeks to find subs to take care of the kids while I’m gone! Nerve Wrecking!!! And certainly not life changing!!!

Three kids ⇒Three school pick up times per day ⇒ Two to three geographically-totally-unrelated sets of activities daily⇒ and ONE expat mom.. You do the math.. it simply does NOT add up; no matter how you look at it.

Miraculously it does.. Because I’m an expat mom and we EMs have that super power to make it all settle in place somehow. We develop our own beehive dance around pick ups, drop offs, extra tennis rackets, more snacks, endless water bottles and the most hilarious of car-time motivational speeches.. but it works! We make it work!

And I’ve got the greatest support system I’ve had in any of my expatriations.

So why does my plan look more like Haywire in a mad house than a well synchronized Beehive dance?? 

I’ve done the works.. Ballet? Check! Tennis? Check! Soccer? 4 times a week?? Also miraculously Check! Swimming? Check, check and check!! (well it’s for all three kids), Horseback riding? Costs a fortune that substitute ride, but still.. Check! Birthdays, school drop offs, pick ups.. Bike trainings, and Arabic lessons… It’s all in there and there is a beehive of seven kind souls, 7 fellow expat moms who have stepped in to lead the dance.. Will it work??

Still on my chair, in front of my computer, a cup of steaming mint tea in one hand and a buzzing whataspp group in the other. I’m reading through the last changes of that mighty schedule and I’m out of breath already. Kili is 3 days away and I have yet to twiddle my toes in my hardened hiking shoes and yet… I’m already exhausted!!!!

Mount Kilimanjaro - Doing it the Lemosho way

Klimbing Cili - Day _6

Being an expat follower comes with many different labels: Dependent – Anonymous Spouse – Domesticated Partner  - obviously none really flattering to my ego! In short I am nothing beyond the walls of my household. And that NOTHING is the one word that echoes in my head hours after each party, social gathering or chance encounter and someone from my husband’s realm asks me: So what do you do??????

You spend the first few years as a novice expat scrambling through fleeting career opportunities, that shortly after become just job opportunities, which soon turn into  once-in-a-while consultancies..  But you don’t despair. In fact, you are so busy building your identity as a super mom that your life actually does have a meaning after all.

Then you hit 40. You breath and open your eyes, and you relax a bit. 40 isn’t so bad! Even for a career less, jobless, bored roaming housewife. Kids are fine, healthy and occasionally happy. Home is a safe warm haven of your own crafting, memories are busy being woven and your birthday cakes are to dream for!

But then 45 lurks right behind and the 50s bells begin to chime far in the distance!

You look around you and you see your kids struggling to fit in, traumatized because your so-called safe haven has just been breached, under your watch and they were bad people with big guns. Your kids are addicted to gadgets and their grades are screaming for the rescue squads. Other parents blame your kids for some crazy problems they trapped themselves in, and dragged others along and you suddenly find yourself sinking.- rather sky diving… and 45 is closing in, with 50 right in tow!

You take another breath. You open your eyes and you just see…. NOTHING!

So being the perfect mom is quite an elusive prospect despite all the energy that went into it. And your children are not just imperfect, but they are also unique in a beautiful, unconventional but sometimes very destructive way!

Even if you pull your mom thing through and they emerge safe and healthy and with some luck, relatively happy; in three years they will fly out of your cocoon one after the other. And you will hold your breath, yet again, hoping they don’t nose dive!  And then what?

You are failing,… miserably.. or are you??

OK you breath again.. and again.. You suddenly decide to shake it all off!!

Being a mom is the most frustrating journey I’ve ever imagined.. You start off aiming super high. Then as the years pass and your kids’ personalities start to shape, your dreams shift with the rising tides. Every once in awhile a Monsoon hits. You handle it. You think you got this but then a Tsunami emerges and the end is nowhere to be seen.

That’s what being a mom really feels like when you are an expat! Because there are no benchmarks, no guidelines and every move comes along with a new set of unfamiliar challenges.  You fall back on relevant memories from your own childhood. Nothing in there helps: we had an internet free, gadget free and a relatively simple childhood back then. You look around and you hesitate. Your friends, if you are lucky to have made some as an expat are wonderful people. But they come from over the world, each with their own set of cultural expectations, barriers and benchmarks. You’ve known them for what: 1 year, 2?? 4 at the most?? You love them dearly but are they really equipped to help you navigate this damned stage of your life? Do the want to?

Some years it’s easy flow, others it’s just a hormonal avalanche and the household seems to be anchored in the eye a Perfect Storm but in an agonizingly slow motion mode.

You go with it. You yield. You sink fast and you despair. You reach rock bottom and then you realize, it’s not over! You can’t just accept defeat. There is a small number of humans that depends on you standing tall and more importantly… standing PROUD!

Now you need to climb all the way back up again.. All the way to an elusive snow-peaked summit.  You know is more of a mental challenge than a physical one. You need to tell yourself that you can make; despite your lack of fitness and inability to believe in yourself. But if you make it, only then you’ll know!!!!

It’s going to be OK!, you are going to be OK! Your kids are going to be fine! Your friends will manage to look through the turmoil and hold on to you till you emerge again. Till you make the climb… all the way to the peak!

It’s Day -6 and the countdown to the Climb has just begun….

Disclaimer:

This post won’t resonate with any of the following echelons of expatriation:

• -       The genius wife who managed to carve a successful career alongside her roaming partner
• -       The satisfied home maker who fulfills her own dreams off the career path
• -       The disgruntled expat follower who knows how to be a social butterfly
• -       The financially independent partner who can afford to create a parallel fantasy life alongside her reality as a dependent follower
• -       Parents of the perfect children who never ever engage in any inappropriate behavior or leave you dealing with a trail of anger, shame, worry and sometimes even sheer fear

Do you speak Expenglish?

Two years in South Africa and I already say EEZ It? Yuhh and Shame!

Yoh is when I’m astounded; and Yoh has come out every time I go into a shop and people think I am French!

I have a French accent - he South Africans say..

But the French, despite the flowery compliments know I don’y do their language justice. After all I’m a product of the Egyptian education system and that doesn’t position us well in life in general.

I do however, spend some time everyday in the French-speaking realm and my closest of friends are predominantly French. They speak to me in Frenglish most of the time so yeah, I get it, I picked up the accent and I fused it with some South African English. Add my Egyptian heritage to the mix + 11 years in New York to spice it up and here you have it….

Expenglish!

There is no denying that English is the common language of Expats.  And for the fortunate expats who successfully forge the best of friendships beyond their national compatriots orbits…with Italians, Argentinians, Spanish, Germans, Brazilians … and thanks to the French school, also French; we manage to somehow craft our own special accent.

The Intercontinental spice mix gives it a flavor that is unique to expats around the world. We know it, we like it, and best of all.. We can never go wrong with it.

There is nothing that we can utter that can be classified as grammatically wrong! Because it’s all wrong.. And that makes it soooo right.  It makes it sooooo unique and soooooo us – expats, that our Expenglish becomes an inherent trait of our global identity.

Hello, my name is Laila, I am an expat and I speak Expenglish.. an all-embracing, judgment-free English that allows us to use as many foreign words as we need, gesticulate as far as our arms can extend, and make the weirdest of body movements to fill for the vernacular gaps. If I get what you want to say then you are fluent, regardless of what you actually said! I get it..  Don’t ask me how.

You know why we get it?

It’s simply because it’s the only language in the world that doesn’t carry any cultural baggage. It is not heavily impregnated with nuances and connotations. It doesn’t differentiate between old and young, man and woman, rich and poor, old money and nouveau rich or black and white. All you need is your basic knowledge of the English language, and your rich experience as an expat and you’re speaking.. Expenglish!

Two years in South Africa and I’m not worried about being understood any longer. Speaking it like the locals is no benchmark for positive integration. When I’m asked: where is that foreign accent from? I simply smile and say.. Take your pick, it’s Egyptian, American, South African and French. I’m all of those and still more to come. J

Exit Plan

As years turn to decades and little flags are pinned at least on a dozen places you’ve lived, the needle slowly tilts away from your country of birth and starts swiveling like crazy in all directions.. You’ve now entered the Bermuda triangle on an expat’s life map hanging on the wall.  There’s no destination.. No clear point of exit.. and if you do exit, well, there is no sure inkling as to where you really want to end up.

One early morning, on our way to school, I tell the kids:

-       You know which countries are opening up now?

Three pairs of sleepy eyes look up and they all ask, with little enthusiasm: Which?

Costa Rica, I announce, ignoring their reluctance to engage. It’s a morning ritual and I’m used to it by now. But I know I can always count on Costa Rica to awaken their most treasured memories and loosen up their slumbering tongues.

Suddenly Tarek’s knee jerks..

-       Let’s move there now!

-       Are you sure? Are you already done here?

-       Yes, definitely Yes!

T2 and T3 are silent.. They’re literarily rolling the idea over in their heads.

T2 says he’s not THAAAAT ready to move yet but Yeah, why not!

T3 is just silent..

I’m speechless!!

10 months only into South Africa and my ever-fidgeting T1 is already planning his next move.  He’s happier here than he’s ever been elsewhere. This country was designed with his special passions in mind. Nature, good weather, animals, hikes, loads of road trips and fun adventures. Sure Middle School is tough, but this set-up is the best and the most sheltered he’ll ever have, and he knows it. So why?

I try to nudge a reason out of him, some deep concern he’s reluctant to share, an angst of some sort, a bad experience he’s eager to leave behind. But the truth is much simpler than that… My T1 has grown to be an eternal expat. In his head, he’s a traveler, an explorer and settling down is just a tangle of drama and broken friendships that his frail social skills have yet to learn to navigate.

Leaving is the easiest way to escape our failure to integrate, to establish roots and to belong.  My T1 is a pariah at heart,  and our nomadic lifestyle offers him exactly what he needs, a fresh start whenever loneliness creeps in and reminds him that friendship is a complicated affair.

For a fleeting moment on an early morning school ride, I feel blessed I’m an expat mom.. I spend so much time helping my kids settle in a new environment that I fail to appreciate the best gift I offer them over and over again: An Exit Plan!

.com Moms - #Joziexpat chronicles

As far as stereotypes are concerned, I proudly espouse “Your Typical American Suburban Mom” definition.  I carry a history of driving a minivan on the streets of Westchester, a wardrobe dominated by yoga pants and a bathroom drawer that carries all the hues for elastic bands I use to tie that perfect morning ponytail high up.

I did my gym hour with my peers every morning after drop offs and I dragged my sulking face and objecting feet back home for housework and cooking afterwards. Ultimately, I became a social media addict.. I made it social, political, sometimes religious.. Anything to make my excuse for not cleaning.. Yet another bathroom, legit!

But there is this much you can say on Facebook without coming across as an empty headed, emotional fireball, totally bored with her life despite all its blessings.  So I moved to the magical world of .com shopping.. It was perfect: convenient, available, no time restrictions and no one sitting there to judge your every click! Delivery was free on almost everything and if you didn’t like it… you would just return it, also free of charge.. Welcome to American convenience at its finest!

I was explaining to some European friends here how, only last year I was planning for my nephew’s wedding back In Cairo and I simply didn’t feel the urge to go dress hunting. So I ended up buying the dress of my dreams online and with 50% discount from ebay. To make it even sweeter, I ordered 7 pairs of possibly matching sandals from Zappos and zoom, three days later, I was trying them on in my bedroom.. Picked one up and just as easily, returned the remaining 6 with a couple of clicks, a quick trip to the post office and a full refund a few days later. That easy!

From the looks on their faces, I decided not to share my nostalgia for my weekly virtual super market visits to Freshdirect, my secret Santa amazon midnight sprees and the amazing deals I found on Groupon and LivingSocial. Zappos was seismic enough for the fragile state of our newfound friendship here.

And then came that moment all expats dread - or sometimes anticipate depending on your personal experience -  When you are told: WE ARE MOVING… new post.. new life. For me, that meant: more Internet time, legit time, to research my new destination and explore its virtual benefits to give myself something to look forward to.

The thing about searching for info on South Africa online is that it has this dramatic feel that only health sites are notorious for. If you search your symptoms online, you’re sure you’re going to die before you make to the doctor’s office.

But just like health sites, the drama turns out to be nothing more than an exaggerated disclaimer.. Your symptoms are nothing but a stress induced nervous entanglement… The issues with security in South Africa don’t make your daily life a venture into a mine field either.

One thing my .com savyy eyes immediately caught on: shops close at 6 pm on weekdays and are almost all closed on Sundays.. Then to make it worse, I stumbled upon this great blog by an expat in Joburg and on it, she lamented the loss of the amazon.com way of life…. Ooohhh.. Now I need a legitimate excuse to be online.. fast!

F-forward two months and I proudly sit right now to brag about another misconception about South Africa I’m about to dispel.. 

For all .com buffs like me, who are either living in or about to move to Joburg, here is a list of what I’ve found and already tried J

1- For amazon.com    there is always Kalahari.com

2- For FreshDirect    there is PicknPay

3- For Craigslist    there is Gumtree.co.za

4- for Groupon… well there is also Groupon.za

and it’s just as colorful and vibrant with daily add-ons and quirky stuff

5- for Zappos.. Unfortunately my hunt has not yielded much in that department.. Yet.. but don’t despair.. I’m on it

After all, I’ve only been here two months now!